For anyone who figures the women associated with Playboy knew what they were getting into, so why be surprised if the experience goes terribly wrong, Holly Madison would like people to know that's not how it works.
"I was 19 when I moved to L.A. and didn't know anybody," Madison, who dated Hugh Hefner for 10 years, told E! News' Francesca Amiker in an exclusive interview. "There's some dicey moments when you're trying to make it in the entertainment industry. I definitely made some fear-based decisions."
And though her life took a different turn, the 44-year-old can't help but feel a connection to the stories told in the Investigation Discovery series The Playboy Murders, which explores the dire fates of some of the women who posed for the famous magazine.
"I definitely as a 22-year-old woman got in way over my head," Madison, the host and an executive producer of this show and ID's upcoming Lethally Blond, explained. "The tragic things that happened to people, it can really happen to anybody. People go forward with the best intentions and sometimes the worst thing goes wrong."
In her 2015 book Down the Rabbit Hole, Madison detailed the dire financial straits she was in when she moved into the Playboy Mansion in 2001 to be one of then-75-year-old Hefner's live-in girlfriends. She spent 10 years at the storied Holmby Hills residence, during which she starred in five seasons of E!'s Girls Next Door with Bridget Marquardt and Kendra Wilkinson.
And because there's no airbrushing the past, Madison suspects that her choice to enter into that situation in the first place was at least partially influenced by aspects of her personality she now attributes to being on the autism spectrum, a diagnosis she received last summer.
"I think feeling like I could be in love with an older man," she explained, "part of that was because I hadn't really connected with boys my own age my whole life. Being on a different social wavelength than other people can happen when you're on the spectrum. But I didn't know that at the time and I thought, Well, maybe I'm just destined to be with somebody older!"
Which she theoretically was, at least temporarily. It was a period of her life that Madison wouldn't necessarily want to relive, but she also wouldn't change a thing.
"I learned so much," she said, "and I feel like my purpose here on earth is to share my story and help open people's minds to different perspectives."
That being said, going back down the rabbit hole with Marquardt for their rewatch podcast Girls Next Level has caused her to relive it a little, and some parts have been tougher than others.
There were "triggering scenes" that were hard to watch, Madison acknowledged. "The show was pretty lightweight, but sometimes something will hit me that I'm not really prepared for. We used to have to do these fake scenes where we would all be in bed together in matching pajamas, and I'm like, '[ugh] I can't talk about it, I'm gagging.'"
She smiled, continuing, "I have to work through that as we're talking about it, and sometimes Bridget will be talking about it and I'm like [cut-it-out]. I don't know, these feelings come up out of nowhere."
At the same time, "It's fun to talk it through," Madison added. "It's kind of like therapy to get it out there. And of course we're reliving the good times, as well."
Meanwhile, her 10-year-old daughter Rainbow (with ex-husband Pasquale Rotella) knows that her mother has a podcast, but "she doesn't know what it's about," Madison said, "or really seem to care."
And that's fine with her, Madison—who's also mom to son Forest, 7, with Rotella—admitting that she has "no idea" what she'll tell Rainbow if the subject of her earlier life comes up.
"Every phase [of childhood and parenting] is so different," she said, "and I never know how I'm going to handle each phase until it's right in front of my face."
But for now, Madison—who marveled over the fact that she used to say she wanted six kids—has her hands happily full with Forest's antics ("he's super-crazy, attention hog, hilarious") and getting Rainbow to finish her homework. "Other than that, she's a really gifted surfer," Madison gushed, "and she's finally into reading, which I love because I was a big bookworm as a kid."
She's also been dating her current boyfriend on and off for about four years, Madison shared, and one of his finest attributes is how secure he is—unlike some guys who asked her out knowing full well who she was but then gave her grief about it.
This man is "not jealous or weird about anything I've done in the past," she said. (And when asked if there might be an engagement in her future, she said she didn't need it but would not be opposed to it.)
Looking back at where she's been and how far she's come, Madison attributed her current state to something within her that never let her get irreversibly down even in her darkest moments.
"No matter how low my self-esteem was, just having this core faith in myself and the faith that things can get better—I was blessed with that," she said. "I don't know where I would have been without that feeling."
Wilkinson having recently shared some harrowing details about her battle with depression, Madison felt for her former housemate, whom she hasn't been in contact with in more than 10 years but is forever bonded to nonetheless.
"I hope she's surrounding herself by people who she's close to and she can trust," Madison said. And she knows from experience how hard it can be dealing with that struggle in the public eye, which, she said, "adds an extra layer to it. I hope she's focusing on the joy in her day to day life."
Having dealt with depression and body dysmorphia—conditions she manages, Madison noted, because neither ever goes completely away— she said she tries to be gentle with herself.
"But for the most part I'm really thriving and really happy," Madison said, "so I'm very grateful for that."
Season two of The Playboy Murders premieres Monday, Jan. 22, at 10 p.m. on Investigation Discovery, with episodes also streaming on Max. Lethally Blonde premieres Monday, March 25, at 10 p.m. on ID.
And when you're finished catching up with Girls Next Level, keep reading for a comprehensive guide to the many TV rewatch podcasts there for the listening: